I pray that you use me to be an advocate for you, to share your love and glory with all those who read my blog. I pray that their hearts be open to receive my words and your love.
Let me just tell you, it has been a crazy almost two weeks. I don’t know where time has gone! I have been super busy at work (you know that day job that I have). I come home and cook dinner, clean up, play with the kids for a few minutes before they go to bed and then I am ready for bed. We have enjoyed a few nice days outside since daylight savings, which is always nice! On St. Patrick’s Day I had an essential oils class at my house where we talked about oils that can help support our emotions and that was awesome! Over all even though it has been busy, it has been good and very blessed! So, why last night did I feel defeated and like I was failing? I have not been promoted to a communications position at my current job as planned when I took the job, I failed to connect with you all last week, my office is still not put together, I am still not any closer to being able to stay home with my kids (at this moment), and I can not keep up with the never-ending amount of dog hair floating around my house. I guess that is a little gift from Herc!
This is a feeling that I am sure many of us feel. This feeling is not reserved for moms only, but rather dads, daughters, sons, adults, teens; no one is immune to these feelings. However, we are all different in how we handle and process these feelings. We are all different in how we let these feelings affect our depression (I denied I had it for years, it’s ok to admit)! My depression, I think, comes from years of uncertainty in my life growing up, coupled with excessive verbal and emotional abuse that took place in our house as a child. That said, I love my parents and I know they tried their best, it just took them too long to decide they were not good for each other!
Last night, I was trying so hard to push my emotions to the side until after being asked what is wrong a few times by my husband, I finally explained my feelings with word vomit. Yes, everything just poured out of my mouth and it left my husband standing there with concern and I am sure some feeling of defeat himself, maybe even a little annoyed. This is never my intention, but the relief I felt when I just told him, was so good. Yet, it still clung to me. I decided to go get a shower to relax. The shower is one of my most cherished times of conversation with God. So this is how this conversation went:
Me: “God, why have you not allowed blessings to come my way so that I can be home with my kids, so that I can keep my house clean, and so that I can be happy? Why I am still struggling to come up with fun topics for my blog, I must just be a boring person. Maybe the blog isn’t for me. God, is the blog for me… is this what you want me to do? If so…. GIVE ME A TOPIC TO TALK ABOUT. Oh and God, you know I really want to be home with my kids. Every day it is harder and harder to leave them. Please help me to make this a reality. Thank you!
God: “For I have plans for you. Listen to me. Have faith in me and my plans for you. I will bless you if you do these things. Do not doubt me. Why don’t you talk about ME….?”
That was the end of that conversation. How do I argue with that? It was almost like a slap in the face. I know that we are all in different spots in our walk with the Lord, and some of us my not be in a walk at all. For me, I am still working on my walk. Some days I am in a full sprint to the Lord, others I just lollygag my way to him. But I am working my way to him. I am growing closer to him every day. I am learning more about him and how I can be the best child of God possibe. I know that if I put all of my faith in Him, He will provide for me. He will give me everything I need, not want, but need. I WANT a 4 bedroom house with an open floor plan and a 3 car attached garage. What I NEED is a roof over my head that protects my family from the elements. That He has provided!
So, this defeated feeling. While it still lingers, it is not as strong. I know that they only thing I am defeated in right now is letting the devil fill me with doubt. Doubt in myself and in God. So today, if this is a feeling you have, I beg you to just try praying. If this is not something you do often and you don’t know where to start, try this prayer as a place to start.
“Dear Heavenly Father. Thank you so much for giving me this day. Thank you for believing in me enough to give me another day to worship you. Lord, I pray that you lift this feeling of defeat off my heart and replace it with feeling of joy and gratitude. Help me to be more aware of the blessings you have given me. Let me turn to you when I am feeling weak. Please lift me out of this dark place satan has placed me in. Amen.”
As we take on this day, please do not doubt yourself and your abilities. You are capable, you are gifted, you are competent, and you are loved! Have faith that God will help you through it all.
Today is a beautiful day and I hope you enjoy it to the fullest!